In a surprise move, the Yankees have signed free agent hurler Chewbacca to a 20-year, $200 million contract in hopes of jump-starting their pitching staff.
Chewbacca, from the planet Kashyyyk, is very excited to be joining the Yankees.
“Grrraaaaaawwwwwwwwwrrrrrggrggggggg!!!” said Chewbacca, a 14-time all-star on his home planet.
“Obviously we’re very excited to have Chewie on our team,” said Yankee GM Brian Chashman, who hopes this move will save his job. “Chewbacca is a very established athlete. He’s had anger issues, sure, but we feel he fits well as a Yankee.”
Han Solo, Chewbacca’s agent, says the Yankees have been scouting his client since CC Sabathia blew up in his first start of the year at Baltimore.
“I’m very excited for Chewie,” Solo said. “We were dodging Star Destroyers on the Millennium Falcon when we got the call. It is only fitting the Evil Empire finally wants to stop chasing us and start paying us.”
Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis, whose man-beard is now 2nd in the AL East, is not phased by the signing.
“Listen, I dominate the Yankees,” said Youkilis. “I’m a pimp for sure, but this signing puts an even keel on things. Chewbacca’s a tough pitcher, and Goddamn is his facial hair fantastic.”
In the KBL (Kashyyyk Baseball League) Chewbacca has career numbers of 472-103 with a 1.89 ERA. His fastball has been clocked at 123 mph and also sports a curveball he learned from Barry Zito, a changeup and splitter. He is also able to throw with both arms, a talent that can be seen in the pictures provided.
The problem has been Chewbacca’s anger issues, which have put a damper on solid outings. In 2002 Chewbacca became enraged after losing a perfect game in the 9th inning in game 4 of the KBL World Series. He tore off the arms of the umpires and proceeded to beat the batter to near death before he was subdued. The KBL sees this type of aggression frequently, after all, they are all Wookies. But this type of behavior will not be looked highly upon in Earth’s MLB league.
Chewbacca is confident anger counseling and the return of the Galactic Senate over the Empire have calmed him and his violet tirades are behind him.
“Raarrrwwwwggg!” said Chewbacca. “Grrrrwwwwfffffff.”
“I’m very excited to play with Chewbacca,” said Yankee catcher Jorge Posada. “He’s a great talent.”
“I love this move,” said Yankee captian Derek Jeter. “Now we have somebody on the team who will actually maim A-Rod.”
Rodriguez could not be reached for comment, but he was seen crying in Tampa upon hearing about the signing.
With Chewbacca’s level of talent, the Yankees can now afford to trade both Sabathia and AJ Burnett if necessary, freeing up salary space. Chewbacca is expected to start every 2 days, as a Wookie’s recovery time is extremely fast.
The Yankees are currently 11-10, good for 3rd in the AL East to start the season with a team ERA over 6.00.
*Note, this article is complete fiction. None of the quotes are real. The events are fake. So don’t sue me.